Hogwarts Being Shutdown Due to Lack of Funding

It appears that Hogwarts, the school made famous by the Harry Potter series, will be shutting down later this year due to a lack of funding. It would appear that shortly after Hogwarts put together a football team, the top donors for the school immediately pulled their funding. “Hogwarts is a Quidditch school, always has been,” said Marvin Stott, owner of Bucking Broomsticks and a generous Hogwarts donor. “I won’t fund a school which I believe to be using all money to fund that silly football team.” It would seem that Stott’s claim is correct. Hogwarts had been using 95% of its donations to fuel the football team. Studies, living conditions, and even beloved Quidditch lost so much money that they could not continue. After the donations were pulled, Hogwarts managed to survive for a short while on the meager restitution that had formally gone to the teachers and had since been taken from them. However, almost all of this money went towards the football team. It just goes to show that not even Hogwarts can escape the grasp of football: the money-hungry school parasite.

Photo Source: http://harrypotter.wikia.com/wiki/Hogwarts_boats

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Football Fans Questioning Beliefs

Super Bowl XLVIII (or 48 for those of you who can't read "those stinkin' letter numbers") was held almost three months ago on February 2, 2014. Football fans in living rooms across the country cheered and yelled for over three hours as if the players could hear them. The foundations of sports bars trembled as bellows of drunken fans echoed off of the poorly-cooked chicken wings and glasses of cheap draught beer. However, none of these people wasting a Sunday evening could compare to the fans who were actually able to attend the game. Over 82,000 people, losing voices and minds left and right, screamed their heads off at 22 other people wrestling over an inflated ball of Ms. Piggy's skin. In preparation for the Super Bowl these people invested hundreds, in some cases thousands of dollars in getting tickets, transportation, lodging, and food. After arriving at the stadium, they fought massive crowds to get to their seats and suffered permanent hearing damage from the noise created by their fellow spectators. Now, almost three months later, the football fans are realizing that their expenses were basically for nothing. "I just had this gut feeling that if I went to the game and cheered my favorite team to a victory then my life would get exponentially better," said Ernest Smith, an attendee of Super Bowl XLVIII. "I had a whole lot riding on this. I bought stocks, a new car, and put a down payment on a new house. I even souped up my lawnmower for racin'. I just assumed my team winning would affect my own life." It seems that Ernest's beliefs don't just apply to him. Almost all of the spectators at this year's game have filed for bankruptcy as a result of thinking the game's outcome would improve their lives. Some of the people who suffered the most have started to petition the NFL to announce over the loud speaker at the beginning of every quarter that the outcome of the game will not affect the lives of fans. "Nobody warned us. We bought those tickets thinking we'd get some serious return out of them," said Judy Armstead, head petitioner. It is being predicted that Super Bowl ticket sales will hit an all time low this year due to the public disappointment of these spectators. Trashcans all over the country are overflowing with NFL memorabilia as die hard football fans question their belief in the power of the sport to change their lives. If you're still interested in going to the Super Bowl after learning that the outcome will in no way benefit you, you can buy tickets at dirt cheap prices for next year online right now. There's no need to rush, though. There's sure to be a few thousand empty seats after the aforementioned debacle. 

Photo Source: http://www.talkandroid.com/guides/beginner/are-you-ready-for-some-football-best-nfl-apps-for-android-2013/

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American Actually Wins an Athletic Competition

When Meb Keflezighi was born, his mother was afraid that his innate fear of anything containing fat or sugar would cause him to be a social pariah. For a few years she was correct, but she soon found out that Meb’s fear could be used to his advantage. “I learned that Meb would run in terror from any kind of sweet,” she says. After yesterday’s Boston Marathon, it would appear that she was right. Meb became the first American man to win the Boston Marathon since 1983 and it was all thanks to the other Americans running the race. While Meb and the other competitors were gearing up for the marathon and avoiding junk food, Meb’s fellow American runners were sticking to their regular lifestyles. This included a morning breakfast shake consisting of melted butter and a liquefied Snickers bar followed by two pounds of bacon and half a cheeseburger. And that was just before 11:30 am. When these people were offloaded by crane from the flatbed trailers they were shipped on, they were armed from head to toe with candy bars, soda, and nacho cheese in water bottles. All of this sugar and fat in one place raised Meb’s already heightened adrenaline to astronomical levels. He knew he had to get away from these people before he had a panic attack. At the start of the race, Meb broke the mold of the American runner by breaking ahead of the pack in an all out sprint. With shear terror in his eyes, he blew by the pizza tables providing nourishment for his competitors and knocked over two fondue fountains. Halfway through the race, Meb slowed to accept a cup of what he thought was water being offered to him by a volunteer. When he looked into the cup and saw the hot fudge it contained, originally intended for the other Americans, he took off again with a second wind like no other. When he neared the finish line, Meb checked over his shoulder several times to make sure there were no snacking runners behind him. When he realized the only one anywhere near him was a fit Kenyan man, Meb raised his anti-lard goggles and pumped his fist, proud that he had once again defeated his enemy: saturated fat.

Photo Source: http://www.aol.com/article/2014/04/21/american-meb-keflezighi-wins-boston-marathon/20872701/

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Lives for Leaves

In a fast-growing new craze, tree huggers are donating their bodies to a new company called Lives for Leaves. This organization takes the bodies of deceased environmentalists and turns them into a fertilizer to help underprivileged trees in bad neighborhoods grow and develop. Recently, it has come to the attention of the founders of the company that their fleshy fertilizer is actually killing the trees it is used on. Baffled, they hired a still-living environmentalist to analyze their product to determine the cause of this devastating loss of foliage. When conducting his study, the environmentalist took samples from a fertilizer made from the body of a conservationist and from a fertilizer made from a lumberjack. His study showed that the compost from the tree hugger contained an alarmingly high amount of hot air and lack of purpose. The researcher was incredibly offended by his own findings and stormed off before we were able to hear his opinion on the matter. However, we were able to locate a copy of his notes amongst the files he left behind. An excerpt reads, “The shear lack of self-worth being injected into these trees by the fertilizer is causing an extreme form of depression in the plants, especially the junipers; historically known for their low self-esteem.” The common belief at the moment is that the trees are purposefully dying to try to provide their nutrients to the lesser life forms around them. This information is not surprising since this exactly the mindset of the environmentalists donating their bodies to Lives for Leaves.

Photo Source: http://www.chaplingonet.com/trees-over-property-lines-in-virginia/

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New Version of ChalkZone

Most college-age people remember the Nickelodeon show ChalkZone; a show that followed the adventures of a boy named Rudy who possessed magic chalk, allowing him to enter the world of erased chalkboard drawings. A Nickelodeon executive recently visited several universities and realized that the most commonly erased chalkboard scrawlings were equations and drawings from calculus classes. The executive then had a brilliant idea: to remake ChalkZone as a more educational, yet still entertaining show. The show will feature the many different equations everyone knows and despises: integrations, derivatives, and even a few Taylor polynomials. The executive was very excited about this idea and promised to push it through as soon as possible. Be sure to look for the newest Nickelodeon show, NewtonZone, coming this fall!

Photo Source: http://daytontribune.com/nickelodeon-boasts-the-top-three-entertainment-telecasts-for-the-quarter-and-breaks-rating-record/75215/

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KISS Army Outraged

Every American has heard of the Wounded Warrior Project, an organization that collects and donates money to soldiers wounded in combat. Recently, fans of the band KISS have been raising money to donate to the Wounded Warrior Project. Most fans and most people in general are supportive of this cause and are willing to help raise the money. However, some of the members of the KISS fanbase, or KISS Army, are incredibly angry about the fundraising. They believe that the money should be used to help wounded warriors of the KISS Army; fans injured at concerts or just injured in general. They have been seen standing outside of recruitment offices and holding signs protesting the fundraiser. Some of the protestors have even been quoted as saying that the fans in charge of the fundraiser are “KISS Army deserters” and that there will soon be a KISS Army war, potentially leading to more KISS Army wounded warriors. 

Photo Source: http://afphoto.co.uk/kiss/5167802789_32bcdde1aa_o/

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Sorcerer Gets a Staff Infection

Employees at the Watauga Medical Center in Boone, NC were shocked when a sorcerer wielding a staff covered in open sores bolted through the hospital doors on Saturday. With his floor-length white beard wafting around his body as he ran, the man approached the front desk in a panic, asking to be seen immediately. The receptionist, completely flabbergasted, was unable to mutter a response to the sorcerer’s demands. Frustrated, the man sprinted past the front desk and summoned a nurse who immediately escorted the visibly distraught man to a vacant room, angering the patients occupying the waiting room. The nurse hurried away to get a doctor for the staff. Deciding that the process was taking too long, the sorcerer attempted to increase the rate of time, but due to his infected staff, the spell backfired. When the doctor arrived at the room, he was surprised to see a young girl in a scuba suit holding an abscessed stick. After recovering from his initial bewilderment, the doctor quickly began to treat the infected staff. After several hours, the staff was good as new and the sorcerer, returned to his regular form, walked happily out the door. 

Photo Source: http://hopefulmonstercreations.blogspot.com

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Confused Exorcist Tries to Help

Yoga practitioners meeting in Central Park on Friday were surprised when a man wearing a black robe and wielding a crucifix approached them. Convinced the contorted people were possessed, the bishop pulled a Bible from beneath his robes and began forcefully shouting verses. The yogis and yoginis, all coiled into a pose known as the “Formidable Face,” all immediately fell over after the first bellowed verse. The bishop, thinking he had somehow exorcised all of the people instantly and at once, fell silent. After lowering their heart rates back to a peaceful level, the park-goers reassumed their pose, sending the exorcist into a terrified frenzy. Every demon-banishing verse he could locate was shouted at the top of his lungs. The yoga practitioners all ran away in terror and the bishop quickly followed. None of them have been seen since.

Photo Source: http://www.switchcrossfit.com/community/yoga-begins/

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