South Carolina has experienced record shattering rainfall from Hurricane Joaquin. At least ten dams have been breached causing major flooding and billions of dollars worth of damage. While South Carolinians grieve, one man is ecstatic at the opportunity to prove his worth. Adjunct Justice League member Aquaman spoke with us in Charleston. He emerged from a flooded street, holding a trident and wearing a giant grin. “Hey! Hey, news guys! Over here! I'm over here, saving the day!” Aquaman's cries for attention were followed by pleas for help coming from a man trapped in his car as it floated down the flooded street. “Shouldn't you help him?” we asked. “Who? Him? Don't worry about him, I told some fish to take care of it. He'll be fine I'm sure. Unless you guys wanna take my picture rescuing him? That'd make a great cover story! I can see it now: "The Amazing Aquaman Saves Commuter". I bet that'd shut those jerks up at the JLA!” We were unable to get a picture of Aquaman saving anything, but we did get a few statements from his colleagues at The Justice League. Superman said, while fighting back a snicker “Aquaman has always been a vital part of The Justice League team.” “I think this is good for him. He's spent the last decade a glorified janitor, cleaning up various oil spills. It's been really getting to him lately," responded The Green Lantern. “What the f**k is an Aquaman?” asked Batman. Photo Source: http://www.avclub.com/article/meet-zack-snyders-new-aquaman-lord-super-serious-s-215554read more
As October begins, while most of us are looking forward to hoodie weather, Halloween, and gaggles of girls pouring processed pumpkin spice down their gullets, a few Americans are preparing for an annual bloodbath. No, I'm not talking about the Detroit Lions' Thanksgiving game or the annual tradition of you and your friends binge-drinking in homemade costumes and watching Wes Craven marathons. I'm referring to "The War on Christmas". The State Allies of the National Theistic Army, or S.A.N.T.A. for short, is a ragtag fighting force composed mostly of Tea Party members, evangelical ministers, and Fox News interns. Their mission is simple: defend religious freedom for the prevalent Christian majority. Their main weapon is the denial of religious freedom for anyone else and the marginalization of the request. It's a strategy conceived by S.A.N.T.A.'s most feared special forces unit: The Fox Force Four, which is comprised of: Bill O'Reilly - The master strategist whose plans are unorthodox, but effective. Gretchen Carlson - The team's strong man and mechanic. Peter Brimelow - A smooth-talking conman known as "The Face". Nancy M. Grace - Nancy “Nearly Mad” Grace is the pilot, known for her expert skills as an aviator and her multiple stents in Fox News' onsite mental health facility. We arrived at S.A.N.T.A.'s forward operating base in the North Pole, blindfolded in the back of a Humvee. The frozen camp was inhabited by dozens of interns, clad in green and red camouflage and armed with AR-15s. We walked through the camp and discovered Gretchen Carlson sitting across from a makeshift chancel. She was perched on top of a crate, wiring C4 to a plastic baby Jesus from a nativity scene. “There's a war out there, fool. I ain't got no time for press,” she barked, declining an interview and sending us on our way. We found Nancy, Peter, and Bill in the mess hall eating cookies shaped like pine trees and colored green with sprinkles. Sgt. Brimelow spoke first, addressing my camerawoman. “Hey there, sweetheart.” He contorted his face in an attempted wink. “You weren't followed right?” inquired N.M. Grace. “The immigrants would just love to find this base and poison us all with their marijuanas.” “Relax N.M., I made sure to take the necessary precautions to keep those thugs and rapists out.” Bill's words seemed to calm Nancy's suspicions. O'Reilly then hopped onto the table in one fluid feat of athleticism. He had a megaphone which he seemed to conjure out of thin air. “In two short months, the American way of life as we know it will come under attack. Are we prepared to defend our culture by any means necessary?” The mess hall erupted into cheers in the affirmative. A few passionate soldiers fired their assault rifles up into the air. “The Jews! The Muslims! The Atheists! 30% of the American population that doesn't identify as Christian! They're coming for our freedom, and trust me: the lazy liberal freeloaders mean business. I've seen it before! They'll be armed head-to-toe with 'Happy Holidays'. Armed with rational discourse, calling for separation of church and state. Armed with apathy for the white Christian plight! Are we gonna let them?!" The crowd erupted into boos and shouts of “No way!” “I said, are we gonna let them?!” The crowd grew even more excited, many of them now dancing and firing into the air. “Then let's go get those commie bastards! Everyone to the newsrooms!” Just like that the frenzied camp charged into the snow, speaking in tongues and chanting “Christ in Christmas". They piled into Humvees and an array of armored vehicles, disappearing into the tundra before we could ask a single question. If you thought this article was funny, please share it using the buttons on the left side of the screen. Thanks for reading!
Connor Stevens, age 19, of Akron, Ohio reports, "I just don't get it." We met up with "nice guy" Connor inside his on-campus apartment at Ohio State University. "It's these girls today, man,” Connor lamented, without shifting his gaze away from the flashing lights of his Call of Duty game. "They're just so stuck up. Chivalry's totes dead." When asked to elaborate, Connor shouted, "F***ing noob camper f*g!" then directed his middle finger towards his television for no less than three minutes before shutting off his Xbox One. "I'm sorry, what did you ask again? Oh, yeah. See, it's like this: there's this girl in my Politics in Pop Culture class named Ashley; slamming body, face is pretty okay. Anyways, the other day I take her to go see About Time, paid for tickets, popcorn, candy, the whole nine yards. You know what happened afterwards? Nothing! Not even a handy in the theatre. What a b**ch!" Just then, a door inside the apartment opened and the sounds of Oasis' "What's the Story" flooded into the living room; traveling first from a portable record player, passing through a plume of pot smoke, and then through the doorway where a young man, clad in a Deadmau5 t-shirt stood. "She totally friendzoned you, bro," the man said. He then burst into a cacophony of quotes from various Ryan Reynolds movies, before exiting the apartment wearing a look of deep self-satisfaction. "That's Chad. Chad knows what's he's talking about, girls love Chad," Connor said, while staring out the window and humming the tune to "Wonderwall." "I gotta start being a dick to girls, they take my niceness for granted." Before we left, we asked Connor if he thought expecting girls to sleep with him as reward for being friendly made him a “nice guy” or a narcissist. Connor replied, "I don't know, dude. Maybe I just need an acoustic guitar."
Nations worldwide are beginning to recover after Facebook went down for a few minutes on Thursday, September 24, 2015. "I just never thought it could happen," said Tracy Birdwell of Sacramento, CA. "Every so often you see posts from your friends about Twitter or Netflix going down, but never in my wildest dreams did I think it could happen to Facebook." Birdwell is not alone in her belief that the world's second most popular website (behind Google) was unbreakable. "I was absolutely stunned. The thought of a second without Facebook, let alone a few minutes, was completely foreign to me before today," said Roger Blackburn from his hospital bed in Waco, Texas. People all over the world have taken to the now-restored Facebook to discuss the outage and try to decide where we should go from here. Several users have started to make plans to rebuild and remember this solemn day, while others believe we should try to erase the outage from history 1984-style in order to preserve the infallible image of Facebook. President Obama has yet to make a statement on the event, but the nation anxiously awaits any sort of leadership to help us through this difficult time. If you enjoyed this article, please click one of the share buttons on the left side of the screen. Facebook is working again (though the tragedy is not forgotten) so don't be shy about sharing this article to Facebook. Thanks for reading!
When passersby saw Jonathan Rudolph enter the men's bathroom at Madison Square Garden on Monday, they barely paid him any attention whatsoever. It was not until a stampede of teary-eyed men with their pants around their ankles waddled out of the bathroom and wept into the shoulders of their waiting significant others that they realized that something was wrong. "It was terrible," said Roger Young, one of the traumatized men. "This man came into the bathroom and completely ignored urinal etiquette. He stood right next to me while I was relieving myself, despite the fact that there were tons of other unoccupied urinals. He tried talking to me and when I ignored him, he began making extended eye contact with the other people in the bathroom." According to other victims, Rudolph strutted around the restroom, complimenting others on their urinal stance and speed at which they were able to finish. "He slapped my butt as I walked by and told me that he was amazed at how quickly I 'took care of my business.' To be honest, I didn't even get started before he made the whole restroom unbearably awkward," recalled Howard Green, a man who was hospitalized after his experience. Others described the incident as "classless" and "completely unacceptable." Police officers have been hired and posted in every male restroom at Madison Square Garden in an attempt to decrease the likelihood of a similar event occurring again in the future. Administrators considered hiring officers to patrol the women's bathrooms as well, but upon interviewing several women about their bathrooms fears, it was quickly determined that they were mature enough to handle awkward situations and not worry about their sexuality being questioned. If you liked this article, please be sure to share it so your friends can see it by using one of the share buttons on the left side of the page. Thanks for reading! Photo Source: http://zackhample.mlblogs.com/2013/07/11/71013-at-yankee-stadium/read more
Written by: Matthew Carpentieri Photo by: Matthew Carpentieri
knuckleheads who have been bullying Sasquatch since they came across him a few
years back may have taken it a bit too far this time. John, James and
Hank, who are featured regularly in Jack Links Beef Jerky commercials as the
guys who whip Sasquatch’s rear-end with a wet towel or flash their watch
reflection in his eyes, were up to no good last week.
gentlemen decided to go on another trip to their desolate cabin up in the Adirondacks.
After three bottles of McGillicuddy’s and 30 bags of Beef Jerky, the men took their
pranks to an all-time high.
should we have tranked him… probably not. Should we have tied him up and hung
him upside down… perhaps no. Should we have shaved him bald and burned his hair
in front of him? That one could have gone either way," John explained.
If the three lumberjacks had stopped there, they most likely would have rolled it out in
another beef jerky commercial, but the traumatizing pranks continued.
"Shoving the salmon up his rear-end was not one of our finer moments. And
honestly, we didn't know that salmon would make such a mess of his butthole.In our defense, we were really hammered,"
the entire stunt, but he should have turned off the camera when the crew
decided to take a bucket of their own defecation from their camp and submerge Sasquatch’s
head. John told reporters, "Yeah, in retrospect, I think that one was over
men woke in a haze the next morning, none had remembered what had occurred the
previous night. Not until a full 24 hours later did their drunken
escapades come to life. "Well, John looked for the poop bucket and Hank
told him to go behind the tree out back; that's when he saw Sasquatch dangling
from the tree in the bucket. Oops?” James said. To make matters worse, John,
James and Hank posted the video to YouTube and tweeted the video to the Jack
Links Beef Jerky handle with the tweet, “Not sure what to do here boss. #ThinkHesDead
far Jack Links has not commented on the events that took place earlier this
week, but PETA’s outrage is pressuring the company to take action.More to come on the developing story. If you liked this article, be sure to share it by using one of the links on the left side of the page. Thanks for reading!
After several weeks as an atheist, local man, Jack Harris, says he has received almost no admiration from anyone, not even strangers he corners on the subway. Harris became an atheist in order to brag about his beliefs, or lack thereof, to everyone with whom he came in contact. "I just wanted people to think I was smart for not subscribing to any organized religion," Harris says. "Instead they all just ask me things like 'Why would you not want to work towards trying to better yourself to get to a place that is unfathomably amazing?' and 'Why is rotting in the ground better than eternal happiness?' It really bums me out!" Harris says he has taken all the steps to fully realize his atheist potential such as talking down to religious people, destroying every holy book he could find, using crucifixes as painting easels, and spray painting almost-offensive phrases on the sides of mosques. "I just don't get it. I've tried everything! I've talked smugly with my eyes closed, scoffed at the beliefs of others, and applied science that I don't understand to everyday situations. I even got a "Physics take the wheel" bumper sticker to annoy any Carrie Underwood fans. I must not be doing something right." At press time, Harris could be seen painting the words "Atheist as frick!" on the side of a synagogue while wearing a "My god is a tree" baseball hat. Photo Source: http://camoway.deviantart.com/art/Atheist-Wallpaper-327498359read more
As massive amounts of snow continue to fall across large portions of the United States, one overly committed zoo employee is not impressed in the slightest by the volume of snow he has witnessed over the past few months. Hired in an attempt to increase visits to the polar bear exhibit at a North Carolina zoo, Roger Mayberry lingers near the zoo entrance inside of a polar bear costume. During his employment, Mayberry's supervisors have become increasingly concerned about Roger's behavior. "He seems to think he is actually a polar bear," says James Hightower, the zoo's human resources officer. "He roars at the kids, wallows in the snow, and eats raw meat during his lunch break." An interview with Mayberry himself reinforced Hightower's concern. "This ain't nothing. Up north, we got tons more snow than this. I remember this one time, I was hunting seals and all of a sudden this huge blizzard came out of nowhere. We must've got seven feet of snow that day!" says Mayberry, in between growls and snarls. Mayberry also states that he is, "excited to work his way back north," and that he hopes to be featured in a National Geographic documentary someday.
What good is living in America if you don't have the freedom to ruin the lives of your child and thousands of others? Causing the return of some of the world's eliminated diseases is your right as a parent and no one should be able to take that away from you. Here are five reasons to further convince you to not vaccinate your child.
1. World Domination - Without vaccinations, your child will basically be a walking biological weapon. Any person whose parents also didn't have the common sense to vaccinate them will be forced to turn and run in the opposite direction whenever they see your kid approaching. Chase them down, child in hand, and brandish the bleeding-from-the-eyes juvenile in their face. Use this power you have over others to quickly rise to the top, assuming your child isn't killed by one of the seventeen diseases they have before you make it there.
2. Disease Collection - You could have a world record on your hands if you play your cards right. Nobody in history has ever managed to collect every deadly disease in one body, but, with an unvaccinated child, you have the perfect vessel for every one of these maladies. Sure, your kid will catch whooping cough soon enough, but you're going to want the biggest and baddest diseases for your collection. To complete your compilation of death, you'll have to embark on a trip to the furthest corners of the earth in search of the crown jewels of diseases. This mission will give you plenty of time to bond with your rapidly fading child.
3. Nostalgia - Ah, the good ol' days. Certain death just around the corner at all times, poor hygiene, and, of course, no vaccines. By not having your child vaccinated, you can begin the outdated life of which you've always dreamed. Go out and rough it in a place where disease is rampant and the only healthcare facility for hundreds of miles is a wooden hut occupied by an elderly man grinding leaves in a bowl made from a skull. Soon you'll be living just like your ancestors as you stand idly by as your child dies of a smallpox infection.
4. Practical Jokes - With an unvaccinated child living in your home, it is fairly likely that you will never have a houseguest again. However, if some unfortunate soul happens to show up in a hazmat suit, sit them down on the couch next to your child and offer them a beverage. When they go to drink it, after cautiously removing their face shield, have your child cough right on their cheek. As they fall to the floor screaming, you and your child can share a laugh as you think fondly of all of the good times you've had as your kid barely escaped death.
5. Media Attention - Everyone longs for fame, so why not use your disease-ridden child to gain some media attention for yourself? Hold a press conference where people with sense can ask you all sorts of basic questions like "What were you thinking?" and "Did you drink paint thinner as a child?" Between questions, glance over fondly at your child as they sit quietly, the world's deadliest viruses and bacteria coursing through their veins. Silently thank them for allowing you to live your dream of being famous for being the world's worst parent.
Seriously, vaccinate your kids, you morons.
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Many were confused on Friday, January 30th, 2015 when several multimillionaires bought millions of shares of stock in companies who specialize in skiing and snowboarding equipment, road salt, snow blowers, and sleds. Three days later, on the morning of Monday, February 2 the Nostradamus of the rodent world, Punxsutawney Phil, saw his shadow, predicting another six weeks of winter. At first these two occurrences seemed unrelated, but soon it all became clear. After some clever detective work by a couple of dedicated FBI agents, it was revealed that Punxsutawney Phil and the aforementioned multimillionaires were involved with some insider trading. It turns out Phil knew that he was going to see his shadow and passed this information along to his wealthy friends. They in turn invested their money in the industries that would be greatly benefitted by a lengthy winter. Since this scandal was revealed, the investors have been placed in police custody to await trial. Punxsutawney Phil on the other hand bolted as soon as he saw the officers arrive at the entrance to his burrow. Being the prognosticator he is, Phil had the foresight to create a network of underground tunnels that would make locating him near impossible. The search continues at the time this article is being written, but if Phil is apprehended updates will follow. If you liked this article, please be sure to share it with all of your friends by using one of the share links to the left of the article. Thanks for reading!
Photo Source: http://www.cnn.com/2010/US/weather/02/02/groundhog.day/read more