Five Reasons Not To Vaccinate Your Child

, by Unknown

What good is living in America if you don't have the freedom to ruin the lives of your child and thousands of others? Causing the return of some of the world's eliminated diseases is your right as a parent and no one should be able to take that away from you. Here are five reasons to further convince you to not vaccinate your child. 

1. World Domination - Without vaccinations, your child will basically be a walking biological weapon. Any person whose parents also didn't have the common sense to vaccinate them will be forced to turn and run in the opposite direction whenever they see your kid approaching. Chase them down, child in hand, and brandish the bleeding-from-the-eyes juvenile in their face. Use this power you have over others to quickly rise to the top, assuming your child isn't killed by one of the seventeen diseases they have before you make it there.

2. Disease Collection - You could have a world record on your hands if you play your cards right. Nobody in history has ever managed to collect every deadly disease in one body, but, with an unvaccinated child, you have the perfect vessel for every one of these maladies. Sure, your kid will catch whooping cough soon enough, but you're going to want the biggest and baddest diseases for your collection. To complete your compilation of death, you'll have to embark on a trip to the furthest corners of the earth in search of the crown jewels of diseases. This mission will give you plenty of time to bond with your rapidly fading child. 

3. Nostalgia - Ah, the good ol' days. Certain death just around the corner at all times, poor hygiene, and, of course, no vaccines. By not having your child vaccinated, you can begin the outdated life of which you've always dreamed. Go out and rough it in a place where disease is rampant and the only healthcare facility for hundreds of miles is a wooden hut occupied by an elderly man grinding leaves in a bowl made from a skull. Soon you'll be living just like your ancestors as you stand idly by as your child dies of a smallpox infection. 

4. Practical Jokes - With an unvaccinated child living in your home, it is fairly likely that you will never have a houseguest again. However, if some unfortunate soul happens to show up in a hazmat suit, sit them down on the couch next to your child and offer them a beverage. When they go to drink it, after cautiously removing their face shield, have your child cough right on their cheek. As they fall to the floor screaming, you and your child can share a laugh as you think fondly of all of the good times you've had as your kid barely escaped death. 

5. Media Attention - Everyone longs for fame, so why not use your disease-ridden child to gain some media attention for yourself?  Hold a press conference where people with sense can ask you all sorts of basic questions like "What were you thinking?" and "Did you drink paint thinner as a child?" Between questions, glance over fondly at your child as they sit quietly, the world's deadliest viruses and bacteria coursing through their veins. Silently thank them for allowing you to live your dream of being famous for being the world's worst parent. 

Seriously, vaccinate your kids, you morons.

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