Messin' With Sasquatch

Written by: Matthew Carpentieri
Photo by: Matthew Carpentieri

The three knuckleheads who have been bullying Sasquatch since they came across him a few years back may have taken it a bit too far this time.  John, James and Hank, who are featured regularly in Jack Links Beef Jerky commercials as the guys who whip Sasquatch’s rear-end with a wet towel or flash their watch reflection in his eyes, were up to no good last week.

The three gentlemen decided to go on another trip to their desolate cabin up in the Adirondacks. After three bottles of McGillicuddy’s and 30 bags of Beef Jerky, the men took their pranks to an all-time high.

"Look, should we have tranked him… probably not. Should we have tied him up and hung him upside down… perhaps no. Should we have shaved him bald and burned his hair in front of him? That one could have gone either way," John explained.

If the three lumberjacks had stopped there, they most likely would have rolled it out in another beef jerky commercial, but the traumatizing pranks continued. "Shoving the salmon up his rear-end was not one of our finer moments. And honestly, we didn't know that salmon would make such a mess of his butthole.  In our defense, we were really hammered," Hank explained.

James filmed the entire stunt, but he should have turned off the camera when the crew decided to take a bucket of their own defecation from their camp and submerge Sasquatch’s head. John told reporters, "Yeah, in retrospect, I think that one was over the top."

When the men woke in a haze the next morning, none had remembered what had occurred the previous night.  Not until a full 24 hours later did their drunken escapades come to life. "Well, John looked for the poop bucket and Hank told him to go behind the tree out back; that's when he saw Sasquatch dangling from the tree in the bucket. Oops?” James said.  To make matters worse, John, James and Hank posted the video to YouTube and tweeted the video to the Jack Links Beef Jerky handle with the tweet, “Not sure what to do here boss. #ThinkHesDead #YupHesDead #MakeJerky?”

So far Jack Links has not commented on the events that took place earlier this week, but PETA’s outrage is pressuring the company to take action.  More to come on the developing story.

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