Several Left Traumatized After "Classless" Men's Bathroom Incident

When passersby saw Jonathan Rudolph enter the men's bathroom at Madison Square Garden on Monday, they barely paid him any attention whatsoever. It was not until a stampede of teary-eyed men with their pants around their ankles waddled out of the bathroom and wept into the shoulders of their waiting significant others that they realized that something was wrong. 

"It was terrible," said Roger Young, one of the traumatized men. "This man came into the bathroom and completely ignored urinal etiquette. He stood right next to me while I was relieving myself, despite the fact that there were tons of other unoccupied urinals. He tried talking to me and when I ignored him, he began making extended eye contact with the other people in the bathroom." 

According to other victims, Rudolph strutted around the restroom, complimenting others on their urinal stance and speed at which they were able to finish. "He slapped my butt as I walked by and told me that he was amazed at how quickly I 'took care of my business.' To be honest, I didn't even get started before he made the whole restroom unbearably awkward," recalled Howard Green, a man who was hospitalized after his experience. Others described the incident as "classless" and "completely unacceptable." 

Police officers have been hired and posted in every male restroom at Madison Square Garden in an attempt to decrease the likelihood of a similar event occurring again in the future. Administrators considered hiring officers to patrol the women's bathrooms as well, but upon interviewing several women about their bathrooms fears, it was quickly determined that they were mature enough to handle awkward situations and not worry about their sexuality being questioned. 

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