Sales of Fake Mustaches Rise in Anticipation of Free Slurpee Day

, by Building Rubble

With 7-Eleven's Free Slurpee Day occurring on Tuesday, July 11, sales of fake mustaches have shown a sharp incline. Millions of Americans, having been eligible for only one free Slurpee in 2016, have realized that there was more out there for them when Twitter user, Lawrence Milton, tweeted a picture of himself with and without a mustache with free merchandise in his hands in both pictures. "Well, I went to the food court at the mall down the street from my house and an employee handed me a free piece of chicken on a toothpick and I immediately thought, 'How can I get more?'" Milton said. 

He continued his journey through the mall and came across a fake mustache in a costume store. "I saw the mustache and knew that it was the key. I bought it, put it on, and got another piece of chicken, which was really the highlight of my week," Milton explained. "I left the mall and decided to use my mustache magic to get other free stuff and showed off my merch on Twitter." 

Twitter users saw Milton's picture and went to costume stores in droves, buying up all the fake mustaches and leading to a countrywide faux 'stache shortage. Some have paid up to $10,000 for fake mustaches on eBay within the last several hours with the goal of getting two free Slurpees at 7-Eleven locations across the country. "I'm going to stop at the 7-Eleven at the end of my street, get a free Slurpee, put on my mustache, get another free Slurpee, get a full tank of gas, and start driving to the next 7-Eleven," said Slurpee enthusiast Terry Anderson, minutes after spending $1,400 on the last fake mustache at the Party City in Cedar Rapids, IA. 

7-Eleven has not yet commented on the fake mustache use in their stores, but analysts expect to see alarming rates of Slurpee shortages across America. Less optimistic analysts are preparing for a complete collapse of the American economy, which is, as of 1971 following the abandonment of the gold standard, completely backed by the Slurpee. Only time will tell what will come of the fake mustache usage, but we can only hope that the mustache users realize before it's too late that free Slurpees do come at a price.

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