Kony Forms a Recruitment Website

, by Building Rubble

Joseph Kony is the leader of the Lord’s Resistance Army, a guerilla warfare group notorious for kidnapping young boys and converting them into child soldiers. Most people know his name from the film released in 2012 by Invisible Children, Inc. entitled “Kony 2012”. Most recently, we have heard that Kony is in poor health and may soon surrender. Forcing children to essentially be his slaves has really taken its toll on him. As a last ditch effort to succeed in whatever it is he’s trying to accomplish, Kony has created a recruitment website for child soldiers. Due to his failing health, Kony no longer has the time or the energy to organize kidnappings of entire boarding schools so he’s decided to take an easier approach. After intensely interviewing several kidnapped children from fortunate families to figure out what the Internet even is, Kony decided that the Internet is, in his words, “where it’s at.” He then forced these same children to learn to code a website and had a recruitment page up and running in a couple of days. The page features photos of luxurious cots crammed into a beautifully disgusting room filled to the brim with guns and ammunition. Any child viewing the site is likely to immediately be attracted to the extravagant lifestyle displayed on the page. If the reader is able to contain their excitement long enough to reach the sign up page, they are then asked to enter in personal information to help Kony get to know his soldiers better. When the child hits the submit button, cuffs and shackles emerge from the computer and the future soldier locks themselves in and waits for the recruiters to come pick them up. The page also features a chat room where prospective recruits can message Kony their various questions about the perks of working for him. Already having been sucked into the Internet, Kony’s responses usually feature an “LOL!” or an “OMG!” In the last few days, Kony has posted several “selfies” complete with hashtags to his new Facebook and Instagram accounts. Using these accounts, Kony has managed to drive an incredible amount of human trafficking, excuse me, traffic to his new website. Check it out if you’re interested, but it may be a while before the recruiters are at your door.


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