American Actually Wins an Athletic Competition

When Meb Keflezighi was born, his mother was afraid that his innate fear of anything containing fat or sugar would cause him to be a social pariah. For a few years she was correct, but she soon found out that Meb’s fear could be used to his advantage. “I learned that Meb would run in terror from any kind of sweet,” she says. After yesterday’s Boston Marathon, it would appear that she was right. Meb became the first American man to win the Boston Marathon since 1983 and it was all thanks to the other Americans running the race. While Meb and the other competitors were gearing up for the marathon and avoiding junk food, Meb’s fellow American runners were sticking to their regular lifestyles. This included a morning breakfast shake consisting of melted butter and a liquefied Snickers bar followed by two pounds of bacon and half a cheeseburger. And that was just before 11:30 am. When these people were offloaded by crane from the flatbed trailers they were shipped on, they were armed from head to toe with candy bars, soda, and nacho cheese in water bottles. All of this sugar and fat in one place raised Meb’s already heightened adrenaline to astronomical levels. He knew he had to get away from these people before he had a panic attack. At the start of the race, Meb broke the mold of the American runner by breaking ahead of the pack in an all out sprint. With shear terror in his eyes, he blew by the pizza tables providing nourishment for his competitors and knocked over two fondue fountains. Halfway through the race, Meb slowed to accept a cup of what he thought was water being offered to him by a volunteer. When he looked into the cup and saw the hot fudge it contained, originally intended for the other Americans, he took off again with a second wind like no other. When he neared the finish line, Meb checked over his shoulder several times to make sure there were no snacking runners behind him. When he realized the only one anywhere near him was a fit Kenyan man, Meb raised his anti-lard goggles and pumped his fist, proud that he had once again defeated his enemy: saturated fat.

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