Nobody Knows What Cinco de Mayo Is

Yesterday, May 5th, was Cinco de Mayo; better known as the day everyone goes to Mexican restaurants, buys gallons of Dos Equis and Corona, and wears fake sombreros. Most people just use the holiday as an excuse to drink on, in this year's case, a Monday, but don't actually know what it is they're celebrating. The general belief is that Cinco de Mayo is Mexico's Independence Day because apparently any holiday that has a number in the name must be a day celebrating independence (see July 4th). However, Mexico's Independence Day is celebrated on September 16. Now, I realize that, for most of you, your hangover is not currently allowing you to understand or learn so you may want to come back later. For the rest of you who were not out partying like it's 1862 last night, get ready to learn something that most people don't know. Cinco de Mayo is actually the day that Mexico's army defeated the French at the Battle of Puebla. This essentially saved the United States from being invaded by France. So, to those of you who go up to the people celebrating the holiday and say, "Why are you celebrating Cinco de Mayo? You're not even Mexican," I say, "Shut up, you uneducated wildebeest. It's America's holiday, too." Look at you, learning from a comedy site. While this information is factual, using Building Rubble as a learning source is probably not a good idea in the long run. So read a book or, better yet, use the Internet like a  normal non-hermit.

Photo Source: http://www.girlmeetsfood.com/where-to-drinko-on-cinco/

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American Actually Wins an Athletic Competition

When Meb Keflezighi was born, his mother was afraid that his innate fear of anything containing fat or sugar would cause him to be a social pariah. For a few years she was correct, but she soon found out that Meb’s fear could be used to his advantage. “I learned that Meb would run in terror from any kind of sweet,” she says. After yesterday’s Boston Marathon, it would appear that she was right. Meb became the first American man to win the Boston Marathon since 1983 and it was all thanks to the other Americans running the race. While Meb and the other competitors were gearing up for the marathon and avoiding junk food, Meb’s fellow American runners were sticking to their regular lifestyles. This included a morning breakfast shake consisting of melted butter and a liquefied Snickers bar followed by two pounds of bacon and half a cheeseburger. And that was just before 11:30 am. When these people were offloaded by crane from the flatbed trailers they were shipped on, they were armed from head to toe with candy bars, soda, and nacho cheese in water bottles. All of this sugar and fat in one place raised Meb’s already heightened adrenaline to astronomical levels. He knew he had to get away from these people before he had a panic attack. At the start of the race, Meb broke the mold of the American runner by breaking ahead of the pack in an all out sprint. With shear terror in his eyes, he blew by the pizza tables providing nourishment for his competitors and knocked over two fondue fountains. Halfway through the race, Meb slowed to accept a cup of what he thought was water being offered to him by a volunteer. When he looked into the cup and saw the hot fudge it contained, originally intended for the other Americans, he took off again with a second wind like no other. When he neared the finish line, Meb checked over his shoulder several times to make sure there were no snacking runners behind him. When he realized the only one anywhere near him was a fit Kenyan man, Meb raised his anti-lard goggles and pumped his fist, proud that he had once again defeated his enemy: saturated fat.

Photo Source: http://www.aol.com/article/2014/04/21/american-meb-keflezighi-wins-boston-marathon/20872701/

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Detroit Contributes to Detroit's Downfall

Detroit, Michigan is known across the board as the Motor City due to it being one of the largest centers for vehicle manufacturing in the USA. It is also known for its high crime rate and poor living conditions. Recently a study has been released that shows that the population of Detroit is constantly decreasing. The study goes on to explain that the reason for this population reduction is because the living conditions are so dismal in Detroit that its residents are using the cars made there to leave forever. So many people use the cars to uproot their lives from the Motor City that there is almost no export cost to the car manufacturers. The cars they make are arriving at the far corners of the continent simply because the car owners are trying their very best to get far, far away. Since the exporting of the cars is a time-consuming and expensive process, having almost no export costs is actually helping Detroit’s economy despite the ever-decreasing population. Deserted neighborhoods are being bulldozed and immediately transformed into bigger and more efficient vehicle factories. Analysts speculate that within the next few months, Detroit will be completely void of life outside of the factories. Of course once this occurs, the economy will plummet due to the fact that everyone will have already left, thereby erasing the need for the cars. People living outside of Detroit who would normally buy a new car are already terrified that if they make the purchase, they will accidentally drive closer to the city. This fear has already halted car sales in the rest of the country so it is only a matter of time before the current boom of sales will grind to a stop. This rapidly approaching inevitability will be the spike strip that ends the joy ride the Motor City is currently experiencing. 

Photo Source: http://www.humanevents.com/2013/07/22/a-kemp-growth-plan-for-detroit/

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