Woman Endangers Entire Plane

A woman flying from Tallahassee, FL to Dallas, TX was escorted off of the plane by police on Thursday afternoon after she refused to turn off her electronic devices while on the plane. Witnesses say the lady took her iPad out as soon as she got on the plane and sat down. Once the aircraft was fully loaded, the flight attendants came around and made sure everyone's seat belt was tightly fastened and that no electronics were in use. When they reached the lady with the iPad, she put it away long enough for the attendant to walk away and then immediately put it back on her lap. Passengers around her were shocked. "I just kept thinking, 'Is she trying to kill us?!' Everyone knows what happens when electronics are turned on during takeoff. Has she not heard?!" said Ashley Thompson, a passenger on the flight. As the plane taxied to the runway the woman continued to play a game on her iPad, blatantly endangering every single person on the plane. Silenced by fear, every passenger looked on as the woman kept her iPad out during takeoff. Everyone onboard braced for a crash as the plane moved faster and faster along the strip of asphalt. Men, women, and children alike were crying and screaming to each other, saying their goodbyes as they lived their final moments. Suddenly there was a lurch and the plane lifted into the air as gracefully as an obese butterfly. Everyone onboard fell silent and turned their gaze to the woman still enjoying her iPad game. Rumors began to spread around the plane that she was a magical terrorist from the future; there was no other explanation for how the plane survived takeoff while an iPad was in use. During the flight, a flight attendant was notified by a passenger that the lady was a terrorist and that the police should be called. The attendant ran to tell the captain who decided to land in Dallas since it was closer than Tallahassee. When the plane touched down and came to a stop, ten police officers stormed on and forcibly removed the woman who did not resist. "It's on airplane mode! Airplane mode!" she screamed as she was carried away. A collective sigh of relief was exhausted by the passengers as they realized they had just survived a flight with a reckless terrorist onboard. 

Photo Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/17/russia-plane-crash-tatarstan_n_4292139.html

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Wi-Fi Becomes Main Dish

We live in a society where everyone is glued to their cell phones and laptops almost constantly. It has gotten to the point where restaurants have started to advertise their free Wi-Fi instead of their meals, and it’s working! Studies show that restaurants are more likely to go out of business if they do not offer free Wi-Fi. One customer at a restaurant/Wi-Fi hotspot said, “This burger wouldn’t taste half as good if it didn’t come with a large helping of free Internet on the side. I don’t eat anything I can’t Instagram.” In theory, this phenomenon would anger restaurant owners, but the reality is much different. “If I offer free Wi-Fi, everyone is so distracted by their phones that they don’t care how the food tastes. I’m saving thousands!” said the owner of a tofu bar in Venice Beach, CA. It seems that every restaurant owner has the same idea. High-quality chefs are being fired left and right in order to use the money that was once their salaries to fund faster and more reliable Wi-Fi connections. Food conditions have dropped from FDA-approved quality to food that is illegal to serve to animals. One would imagine this would cause a problem with the health inspectors, but, once again, Wi-Fi saves the day. “I had an inspector in here last week that didn’t look at his food once the entire time he was here,” said the manager of a Mexican restaurant in Austin, TX. This manager’s experience seems to be a common occurrence across the nation. No matter how terrible the food quality, restaurants are still receiving high marks simply because the Wi-Fi they provide completely distracts the inspectors. Food poisoning is on the rise, but with WebMD readily available at every restaurant, everyone knows to stop eating and go back to their phones.

Photo Source: http://www.bubblews.com/news/3060170-wifi-in-my-house

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