Woman Endangers Entire Plane

A woman flying from Tallahassee, FL to Dallas, TX was escorted off of the plane by police on Thursday afternoon after she refused to turn off her electronic devices while on the plane. Witnesses say the lady took her iPad out as soon as she got on the plane and sat down. Once the aircraft was fully loaded, the flight attendants came around and made sure everyone's seat belt was tightly fastened and that no electronics were in use. When they reached the lady with the iPad, she put it away long enough for the attendant to walk away and then immediately put it back on her lap. Passengers around her were shocked. "I just kept thinking, 'Is she trying to kill us?!' Everyone knows what happens when electronics are turned on during takeoff. Has she not heard?!" said Ashley Thompson, a passenger on the flight. As the plane taxied to the runway the woman continued to play a game on her iPad, blatantly endangering every single person on the plane. Silenced by fear, every passenger looked on as the woman kept her iPad out during takeoff. Everyone onboard braced for a crash as the plane moved faster and faster along the strip of asphalt. Men, women, and children alike were crying and screaming to each other, saying their goodbyes as they lived their final moments. Suddenly there was a lurch and the plane lifted into the air as gracefully as an obese butterfly. Everyone onboard fell silent and turned their gaze to the woman still enjoying her iPad game. Rumors began to spread around the plane that she was a magical terrorist from the future; there was no other explanation for how the plane survived takeoff while an iPad was in use. During the flight, a flight attendant was notified by a passenger that the lady was a terrorist and that the police should be called. The attendant ran to tell the captain who decided to land in Dallas since it was closer than Tallahassee. When the plane touched down and came to a stop, ten police officers stormed on and forcibly removed the woman who did not resist. "It's on airplane mode! Airplane mode!" she screamed as she was carried away. A collective sigh of relief was exhausted by the passengers as they realized they had just survived a flight with a reckless terrorist onboard. 

Photo Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/17/russia-plane-crash-tatarstan_n_4292139.html

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NASCAR Becomes More Relatable

Who doesn't love watching high-powered cars rocket around an oval for three hours every weekend? Most people. This fact has severely limited the fan base of the "sport". The leaders of NASCAR realized that they would get more viewers if they made the "sport" more relatable. They launched a study in which researchers followed the typical American through their daily lives for about one month. The results showed that people spend a large amount of their time being annoyed while driving. Since this activity involves cars and NASCAR is all about cars, the heads of NASCAR decided to combine the two. At each race, a wrecked car is placed in the middle of the track and the racers have to wait for it to be cleared in a simulated traffic jam. As the wrecked car is moved far enough to the side for one car to pass at a time, each driver passes it while moving at ten miles per hour and rubber necking towards the wreck to get a good view of the carnage. Once all the cars have passed the wreck and are moving at normal NASCAR speed, a school bus is released onto the track and is assigned a total of 42 stops around the outer rim of the track. This allows just enough time for one car to pass the bus legally and without getting points on their license in between stops. After the bus completes its route and moves off the track, it seems to be smooth sailing for about twenty laps at normal speed. Then, to keep it interesting, a man with a trailer overloaded with trash pulls onto the track. Drivers have to dodge the broken refrigerators, scraps of wood, and hunks of metal that fly off of the trailer and crash into the track. Every time a car gets destroyed during this part of the race, it is hauled off of the track and used as the wrecked car in the beginning of the next race. Once the man on his way to the dump removes his overflowing trailer from the track, the racers speed up and maintain normal racing speed until they get to the very last lap. At this point, a deer is allowed to run to the middle of the track and stare, unmoving at the cars as they rapidly approach. The driver in the front swerves around the animal, overcorrects, and slams into the wall, ultimately causing a 43 car pileup to bring the race to a close. NASCAR says that ratings have vastly improved since the changes have been implemented and is asking viewers to send in their own ideas about how to make the drivers' jobs more of a living Hell while on the track.

Photo Source: http://pauldunay.com/nascar-appeals-to-more-than-just-sports-fans/

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