Teen Spirit Perfume

Everyone that's ever been to a college campus knows that they smell like a locker room dipped in alcohol and overloaded with disappointment. This scent has invaded the nostrils of every college student and their parents for decades. It allows long suppressed memories of drunken mistakes and failed classes to resurface and bring a tear to the eye of a college graduate. If you've been longing for this nostalgia but have too much self respect to visit a college campus and be bombarded by people attempting to get you to attend their already overcrowded school, your wait is over. Introducing the Teen Spirit Perfume. Modeled after the aforementioned stench of a college campus, this noxious gas has been wrestled into a bottle and made to be sprayed all over your house. Soon after use, shirtless men on a slackline will be on your front lawn along with mediocre guitarists and hula hoopers, drawn by the scent. You will find people studying in your bathroom and sleeping on your kitchen counter. This scent truly is a miracle in a bottle. The name has been derived from the song "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana. This fact will get the hipsters and the people going through their grunge phase to also show up your house. This means that the total number of jean jackets and hideous mustaches in your neighborhood will rise astronomically, driving your property value down to the abyss. A whopping four bottles have already been sold to unfortunate grandmothers trying to buy something "hip" for their teenage granddaughters. The inventor of the perfume, inspired by the success of Teen Spirit has decided to make a new scent entitled "Adult Spirit". It will smell like taxes, grocery stores, and awkward dinners with in laws who you've never gotten along with because they simply hate you. Keep your nostrils open and try to find Adult Spirit and Teen Spirit in your local failed ideas store the next time you get a chance to ruin your life while spending sixteen dollars.

Photo Source: http://keukey.wordpress.com/2012/11/16/how-to-wear-perfume/

read more

Five Things Better Than Cheese Pizza

Everyone loves cheese pizza. Disgustingly-delicious grease slathered on top of melted cheese over a layer of murdered tomatoes slapped on a piece of what used to be wheat and thrown in the oven somehow creates a flavor sensation so magical it got a letter from Hogwarts. Even vegans would agree that this conglomeration of dairy, bread, and blended vegetables is the most wonderful food in the world. This may be true, but is it the best thing ever invented in general? Who's to say? Here's a list of things I think might have cheese pizza beat.

1. Pepperoni Pizza - The rule of thumb is generally that more is better than less. So why not amplify the deliciousness of the cheese pizza by placing precooked circles of ground up animal flesh on top of the already wondrous cheese? Maybe make a smiley face if you're feeling like you need to brighten someones day. Or make an apologetic face if your best friend beat you in Call of Duty and you threatened to kill his mother with the macaroni art picture he made for her in kindergarten while simultaneously teaching his younger sibling that red is actually green so that she is a social outcast from the moment she starts to attend school.

2. Robots - Pretty much nothing is cooler than a mindless android doing your menial tasks like homework, cleaning the house, and answering the door when the delivery guy arrives with your cheese pizza. Right now, robots are pretty simple so we have nothing to worry about if one breaks or tries to take over the world. We just yank the batteries out of its silly little head, yell some profanity at it, and leave the poor hunk of metal to be recycled like the soda can it is. These facts make robots better than cheese pizza, but when they get advanced enough to actually take over the world they may get knocked down a few notches.

3. Nutella - Do I even need to explain this one? It's a chocolaty, hazelnutty spread that the snack gods have sent down to grace the taste buds of mortals. Angels sing as it floats down onto the shelves of grocery stores with its feathered wings slowly flapping as a soft light plays off of its label. What more could you possibly want?

4. Cameras - Where would your family vacation be without 300 meaningless photos of something you thought was pretty and then realized it wasn't all that great? What would help us to capture memories of events that no one in the photograph is truly enjoying? How would people beg for comments on Facebook by captioning their pictures with "I'm so fat," despite the fact that they are perfectly healthy?

5. Sarcasm - Nothing lets an idiot know they're an idiot asking idiotic questions like an idiot than sarcastically posing as an idiot to make the idiot feel idiotic. With all the idiots in the world, it's really just wonderful that we have sarcasm. While it doesn't really translate through the written word, sarcasm has scathed enough people verbally to make it on to this list. For example, when someone says to you "Hey, are you really going to eat all seven of those large cheese pizzas with extra cheese and extra large?" you can sarcastically respond with, "No of course not. I'm going to let these glorious, majestic beasts escape from these cells you call boxes and be free in the beautiful world of Pizzopolis." Isn't sarcasm great?

Photo Source: http://themommygamers.com/2013/09/national-cheese-pizza-day-september-5th/

read more