Dear Uncle Leo: Waiting in Wyoming

, by Unknown

Dear Uncle Leo,

Up until this point, my life has been fairly ordinary. I have no kids, no wife, and I have a regular job where I sit in a cubicle all day, typing on a computer. Recently, after experiencing several severe headaches, I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with an extremely deadly and incurable condition. I’ve come to terms with the fact that my life will soon be coming to an end; in a month, if the doctors are correct. To make up for the monotony I’ve experienced over the last 42 years, I’d like to really go out with a bang. So, Uncle Leo, if you were in my shoes and only had one month to live, what would you do?


Waiting in Wyoming

Dear Waiting in Wyoming,

Your predicament is no doubt urgent, which really pisses me off because it was entirely preventable. What's regrettable is that you 1) have never played Jai alai 2) that you weren't nude while you weren't playing Jai alai. Wyoming, you don't wanna die as a list of unchecked little boxes on a dainty, indecisive bucket list. If you don't have a bucket list, then go back to your f&*%ing cubicle and make one *takes drag off both cigarettes*. At the top, in monstrous, sprawling letters carve, "Get naked, son!" This is the beginning of your brief, wondrous life! 

Advisory: Wyoming, you won't want to spend any of your precious final days in the stench of law enforcement. Nudity is illegal in most countries and frowned upon in others. So the Golden Rule of Nudity is, "If people are frowning at you, you're probably safe from the police." Also don't be a perv. This is a proud moment.

Indulge in primal instinct and catch a wild animal with your hands. A bull, a lion, an eagle, a f&*%ing human being? You'll need an anesthetic regardless. Take a picture. 

Stay away from cheap hookers. Not all hookers, just the ones on sale. Take my word, only blue chips, my friend. I broke my own rule tonight so my company is a beefcake Ukrainian woman who's mouth looks like a prison riot.

Given you survive these enterprises and that you've accepted your beautiful fate, Wyoming, you'll want to spend the last two weeks in admiration. At this point, I recommend you cease all prior illicit activities. You'll want to be at full faculty and clothing for this last part. 

Visit the right child's birthday. Lot's of love and hope there. That's a beautiful quality of this species.

Stay out of shopping malls, Walmart Supercenters, and fast food restaurants. You'll see only greed. 

Investigate a charity or a cause you truly believe in. Donate all of your money to it...attach to your donation a picture of you naked on the bull.                                                                                             


Have a child with someone whom you can trust. Leave every possession, all money, and an account of your brief wondrous life to your unborn child. 

Travel to your place of ancestry. Your home heritage. The origin of your cultural phyla. 

Bio-cremation is the right idea. Look into it. 

That, friend, is what I'd start to do with a month and your shoes #swish.

Warm regards from a temple basement in the Ukraine,

Uncle Leo

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