Dear Uncle Leo: Trigger Happy in Kansas

, by Building Rubble

Dear Uncle Leo,

This weekend, in an effort to kill a turkey for Thanksgiving dinner, I accidentally shot my friend, Mikey, in the left butt cheek with a load of 12 gauge turkey shot. To make up for what I'd done I took out my knife and dug out the chunks of hot lead from Mikey's rear. While I was doing my digging I noticed that Mikey, my longtime best friend, has a tattoo of a dolphin jumping over a rainbow that curls in the shape of my wife's name on his right buttock. After I finished clearing Mikey of all of my errant shotgun load, I stood up and didn't mention the tattoo. I thought nothing of it at the time, but now it's really bothering me. What should I do?


Trigger Happy in Kansas

Dear Trigger Happy in Kansas,

The classic stern-side tattoo. An excellent reason to write. In trying times such as these, I like to pop on the Ol' Gold Chain and take a nice long soak in the hot tub - hard boil my eggs, as it were. This bubbling sanctuary seems to be the only place I can aptly toil over the reeling nature of such horrifying body-art. So, first, you must do the same. Mind you, this is not a recommendation, but a prescription, my friend. 

Secondly (at this point you may exercise your own creative license), it is my regretful belief that Mikey's rear travesty must be exposed for the degenerate graffiti it is. Without a doubt, the devious image of that bastard dolphin must haunt the depths of his subconscious. He must face this pain, and it is your place, as his friend, to usher him through his higher-mammalian nightmare. As such, I believe it is best, for your marriage, your friendship, and your valuable time of rest, that you spray Good Mikey in the arse once more. Do your dear friend Michael a favor and pump his buttocks full of lead. Afterwards, you can draw attention to the body-art in a healthy state of mind and address this deep-seeded lunacy.

From a dingy rooftop hot tub in the DR of the Congo,

Uncle Leo

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