Five Names for Your First Born

So you're pregnant. Everyone is congratulating you for achieving something even the most underdeveloped animals have been doing since the dawn of time. You look and feel like you swallowed a beach ball, the literal parasite inside of you kicks you half to death in your sleep, and you have an extreme craving for dirt and ice. You're throwing up as you're reading this and you've been angry, sad, elated, angry again, and happy all within the last two minutes. Really living the dream, aren't you? After deciding how you're going to pay for the medical costs of birthing that screaming, pooping, sleeping ball of humanity's future, you obviously have to decide what you're going to name it. That's where your ever-reliable source of information, Building Rubble, comes in! Here are the top five baby names I've chosen to make sure your kid doesn't get beat up at school (or at home).

1. La-a - No, it's not pronounced "La ah" or "Lah". It's "Ladasha" and don't you forget it. Your kid will be an urban legend from the moment they're born with a name like La-a. Everyone has heard of someone with this name but no one in real life actually possesses this gem as their title. Now, if you decide this is the name for your baby, you will have given birth to a real, live La-a. The possibilities are endless.

2. Optimus Prime - I feel like I shouldn't even have to explain this one. What could be better than being named after a gigantic robot who leads other gigantic robots in fighting more gigantic robots? Your child, boy or girl, would never be picked on at school with a name like Optimus Prime. All the bullies would be terrified that a huge canon would pop out of your kid's shoulder and blow the bullies to smithereens. Or you could name them Megatron if you think they'll be a bad a kid. But still: gigantic fighting robot.

3. John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt - Nothing is better in kindergarten than either not being able to fit your name on your worksheet or not being able to spell it in the first place. Aside from being embarrassed by having to use extra wide paper to fit their massive name, your child will feel incredibly special because there's a song about them. However, in their later years, your offspring may slowly drive themselves to the point of insanity while searching for the other John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt who wrote that wretched song. Know the consequences before choosing this name.

4. Dumbo - Let's face it: overall world intelligence is increasing and you live in America. Your child is probably going to be overweight and fall behind in school. Why not set them up with a self-fulfilling prophecy that they have to write in cursive every time they sign their name? Maybe they'll watch the movie and realize that they can motivate trains up hills, get drunk with mice, and interact with racially depicted crows. That ought to boost their self esteem at least a little bit.

5. Macaulay Culkin - This is just a really cool name that deserves a second chance. After the first one used all his money to buy drugs for the last fifteen years, the name has lost its edge. Maybe your child will bring new life to this top-of-the-line name and be a star who doesn't spend their time high out of their mind.

Photo Source: http://babaklix.com/newborn-baby-photos/