Five Things To Be Thankful For This Thanksgiving

The anniversary of the time Europeans tricked Native Americans into believing that white people aren't that bad is rapidly approaching. As schoolchildren decorate cutouts of turkeys and learn about how peaceful the first Thanksgiving was, it's up to the adults to start planning a meal and to start thinking of things for which to be thankful. In case you're really struggling for a reason to give thanks this year, here's a list (based upon assumptions about your life, of course) to help you to not be the only unthankful person at the overcrowded kids' table this year.

1. You have a job - Having a job is something to be thankful for when the unemployment rate is hovering around 6%. You're one of the lucky people who is stuck at an office all day staring at a computer screen, making copies, signing birthday cards for people you loathe, chatting about sports you don't care about by an upside down jug of water, and waiting in line for coffee behind your coworkers who are filling their mugs embossed with "clever", almost-offensive sayings. When the last "Life's a beach" mug is filled, it's your turn to step up to the pot, which is sadly the most exciting part of life at the office. Woo hoo!

2. You have Internet access - Without the Internet, you would be unable to expose yourself to things like Kim Kardashian's butt or Nyan Cat (whatever that is). You'd be unable to binge watch entire seasons of shows in a day or spend hours on Facebook reading whiny status updates posted by people you haven't seen in ten years. Without the Internet you'd be unable to take quizzes to figure out which fruit you are or which Disney princess your personality is most like. You wouldn't be able to go on WebMD and learn that you either have cancer or you're pregnant. Of course, with symptoms like a headache and a sore throat, what other diagnosis would you expect? But you do have Internet. You can do all these things and more! Rejoice!

3. Christmas is soon - If you're going to have to deal with family members that you strongly dislike, you might as well get some presents out of it. While Thanksgiving delivers from all points of the food spectrum, Christmas delivers from all over the free stuff spectrum. You can decide which one you prefer, but I think it's obvious which one is my favorite.

4. Black Friday deals - After you've caused irreparable damage to your digestive system by packing it full of hot bird flesh and witnessed every single four-hour long football game, it's time to head to the mall. Once you've strapped on your helmet and sharpened your katana, you have to fight to the death for discounted electronics and plush dolls. Hopefully you will have mentally prepared yourself enough to deal with the emotional trauma that is always present when crane-kicking grandmothers and decapitating nerds on your journey to the video game section of the store. Picking up that video game console and seeing the discounted price flash across the screen as the overwhelmed employee scans the barcode will make all of the deaths you caused worthwhile.

5. Winter isn't here yet - You still have time to enjoy the outdoors before blistering cold and frozen windshields take over your life. You can still go for a drive in your car without having to start it fifteen minutes early to let it warm up so you don't get frostbite from the steering wheel. And, once you are driving, the road isn't a death trap covered in camouflaged ice sheets ready to send your vehicle careening through a guardrail. Winter is on its way, but it's not here yet.

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