Grandfather Sneeze Rocks United States

, by Building Rubble

If you were to ask people who possessed the loudest sneeze on Earth, they would most likely tell you that their grandfather holds the title. Grandpas have been shattering the eardrums of their grandchildren for generations with their colossal sneezes. Madison Armstrong, a middle schooler living in Venice Beach, CA got into an argument with her friends at school over whose grandfather had the granddaddy of all sneezes. To prove that her "pawpaw" had the strongest sternutation, Madison invited all of her classmates to her grandparents' house on Tuesday afternoon. Upon arrival, the middle schoolers found Madison's grandfather asleep on the couch with the television at maximum volume, a beer in his hand, and war stories on his tongue. Quietly and with a feather in hand, Madison approached the sleeping elder and began to tickle his nose. After a couple of seconds of nose twitching and feather flicking, the old man released an almighty sneeze so powerful that the chair he was sitting in was compressed into a diamond and each of his wife's 87 cats lost three lives. Car alarms all the way down the street were screaming and the other elders of the neighborhood pulled themselves away from their pill organizers to see "what all the ruckus was." The blast radius didn't stop at the neighborhood, though. People all over the US and Canada were posting tweets and statuses about the quakes they felt in their respective cities. The Canadian Army, known for always being at high alert and ready to go to war, was seen riding their horses through neighborhoods while firing their cap guns to get the attention of the citizens, telling them to stay indoors. Meanwhile, Madison and her friends were stumbling around Madison's grandparents' house, blinded and deafened by the explosion that erupted from her grandfather's nostrils. Once they regained their senses and took a look at the destruction in the home, the middle schoolers ran from the house, leaving Madison's still-slumbering grandpa on the floor. 

Madison's grandfather, Irving Armstrong, has since been contacted by the Guinness Book of World Records for his earth-shattering sneeze. Claiming the organization was "just a bunch of Communists," Irving denied the request to be featured in the next issue of the book. Madison received detention because the sneeze she caused ruined her teacher's date with a man she met online. The date was cut short when, due to the deafness caused by the extreme sound pressure created by the sneeze, every attempt at awkward small talk was met with a confused stare and a loud "What?!"


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