Horoscopes: February 2015

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  • Aries (March 21 - April 20) - The location of Venus indicates that this would be a perfect month to completely drain your bank account and start that organic horse feed company of which you've always dreamed. 


  • Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - Rein yourself in, el toro loco. You must make yourself calm before making any big decisions. A radical new haircut may be in order, but stick to less important choices this month.


  • Gemini (May 22 - June 21) - The two women that represent your sign will come to your home sometime this month and carry you through the town. You will be embarrassed, but will also feel slightly empowered. Embrace this.


  • Cancer (June 22 - July 23) - This is a month of change for you. Wax off your eyebrows, have a child, buy a pet lizard. The child may require some time traveling, but who cares? You're a Cancer! You'll figure it out.


  • Leo (July 24 - August 23) - Jupiter says...nothing...it's a planet. However, its position indicates that you should be extra speculative this month. Don't trust the man trying to sell you a $125 Rolex behind the liquor store. It's probably fake, especially since the brand on it says "Rolecks".


  • Virgo (August 24 - September 23) - The early full moon means you'll be able to make friends more easily this month. However, choose wisely. A white-collar criminal or a centaur would be the absolute best acquaintances for you to make. Stay away from the underground mole people and people who look like zombie versions of The Blues Brothers.


  • Libra (September 24 - October 23) - Keep your crystals close and your oxygen tanks closer this month. Demons will be out to get you and steal the air right out of your lungs. Be safe out there.


  • Scorpio (October 24 - November 22) - To survive this month you'll have to exist like the symbol of your zodiac sign, the scorpion. Go to the desert and crawl around with a faux exoskeleton covering your naked body. It's good for you.


  • Sagittarius (November 23 - December 22) - Try your best to stay away from Virgos this month. They're going to be on the hunt for centaur friends and will stop at nothing to be your friend. This may sound nice, but it reality might be terrifying.


  • Capricorn (December 23 - January 20) - First of all, what in the name of all that is holy is your symbol? It's like a goat-dragon-donkey-fish thing. Gross. Anyway, your charitable nature will benefit you greatly this month as long as you keep your wits about you. Don't donate to any sketchy charities and then report it as a tax write off. You will get audited. 


  • Aquarius (January 21 - February 19) - You're in danger! Build a giant, self-sustaining bubble, get in it, and go to the bottom of the ocean. You interact well with water already so this is the perfect place for you to survive the reaping of Aquarius. 


  • Pisces (February 20 - March 20) - Try to avoid free food. Especially if it's hanging off of a hook. This is the biggest threat to your kind. The food is a trap! If you eat it, you will be yanked to surface by some sweaty guy who will leave you to bake in the sun on the bank of the river that was once your home. 


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