"Nice Guy" Bewildered by Lack of Sexual Rewards

Written By: Fiore Sarrocco

Connor Stevens, age 19, of Akron, Ohio reports, "I just don't get it."

We met up with "nice guy" Connor inside his on-campus apartment at Ohio State University. "It's these girls today, man,” Connor lamented, without shifting his gaze away from the flashing lights of his Call of Duty game. "They're just so stuck up. Chivalry's totes dead." When asked to elaborate, Connor shouted, "F***ing noob camper f*g!" then directed his middle finger towards his television for no less than three minutes before shutting off his Xbox One. "I'm sorry, what did you ask again? Oh, yeah. See, it's like this: there's this girl in my Politics in Pop Culture class named Ashley; slamming body, face is pretty okay. Anyways, the other day I take her to go see About Time, paid for tickets, popcorn, candy, the whole nine yards. You know what happened afterwards? Nothing! Not even a handy in the theatre. What a b**ch!"

Just then, a door inside the apartment opened and the sounds of Oasis' "What's the Story" flooded into the living room; traveling first from a portable record player, passing through a plume of pot smoke, and then through the doorway where a young man, clad in a Deadmau5 t-­shirt stood. "She totally friend­zoned you, bro," the man said. He then burst into a cacophony of quotes from various Ryan Reynolds movies, before exiting the apartment wearing a look of deep self­-satisfaction. "That's Chad. Chad knows what's he's talking about, girls love Chad," Connor said, while staring out the window and humming the tune to "Wonderwall." "I gotta start being a dick to girls, they take my niceness for granted." 

Before we left, we asked Connor if he thought expecting girls to sleep with him as reward for being friendly made him a “nice guy” or a narcissist. Connor replied, "I don't know, dude. Maybe I just need an acoustic guitar."

Photo Source: http://www.thatvideogameblog.com/2013/07/11/xbox-one-petition-to-get-e3-policies-back/